Space is big. To quote a wise man, in fact, “Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.”
Another thing about space is its terribly random way of letting things happen. Though, putting it in that way almost makes it sound like the universe has some omnipotent power of driving events, which of course, we all know is absurd. Not even if you you believe in whatever invisible Man/Bear/Spoon/Spider monkey in the sky or any variation of this is can that be excepted .
However, it has been deemed that sometimes, something in space allows itself to do the most unexpected and impossible things.
Somewhere in the middle of a small, empty, relatively moist part of space, such an event happened. One second the little patch of space was sitting nice and quietly, the next, pop. From nowhere, with no reason, a little hole appeared. From this hole, erupted the most peculiar thing.
Penguins. Hundreds upon hundreds of party hat wearing, cake eating penguins.
Of course, the curiosity of such an event did not ever come from what the penguins were eating or doing, which may be the first logical conclusion anyone could come to, but was more accurately directed at why the bloody hell penguins were doing in the most abnormal of places.
Some people jumped straight to conclusions. Perhaps the penguins were on a nice trip out, and had simply sat down for a nice spot of tea and cake, while accidentally forgetting all reason to which they should wear their space suits. Some argued that a temporal rift had been caused somewhere for unknown reasons, and had unfortunately due to their sudden transdimensional pulling forgot to pack their warm clothing to keep themselves warm in the extremes of space.
Of course, these were all hideously wrong, and the true reason was all the more absurd. It happened, quite honestly, because it did.
No other explanation, no further answer, left fewer questions then that. It happened, and that was all there was too it. Everything was fine, and the universe went on with their lives.
Everyone except one person.
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Aboard his ship, the ace space explorer Skwizzal McCake sat, pondering. What he was pondering, no one knew, except him of course, for that was only reasonable to presume. In all likeliness, this entire Penguin/Cake fiasco waited heavily on his mind. Every neuron in his highly unstable brain was firing to one another, which wasn’t that uncommon for often it would be argued there weren’t that many to fire.
He pondered deeply, unmoving as he looked out from his captains chair, wearing his captains uniform and sipping from his Universes Best Captain (Because this cup says so) tea mug. He occasionally stirred to adjust his space monocle, or his scratch face, or brush his long blonde hair out of his face, but besides that, he did little beyond pondering.
Something about this whole penguin situation seemed totally retarded to him , but his brain, nor any part of his consciousness, had any idea what.
After several weeks of floating in space, resting little and eating only the necessary amounts of food, it finally hit him and finally he realised what had troubled his mind.
Penguins only ever eat fish!
At that conclusion, the ships onboard computer, who had been on it’s metaphorical toes for this great bit of wisdom, realised how pointless it’s existence was with such and idiot, and ordered every service robot on the ship to fry its neural core to end its pitiful existence. With that, the ship veered hard to its left, and descended onto a small, insignificant planet.
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When Skwizzal awoke, everything was a mess. He shouted at the ships computer to clean up the mess, but then he remembered the ship had committed suicide. Damn Vista Version 4000.12 AI. Picking himself up, he dusted off his monocle, and searched for his Sonic Cakefork. In this age, it was much more normal to have a screwdriver or some other useful tool with sonic capabilities, but Skwizzal liked cake, so he could never be too far from needing his trusty Sonic Cakefork.
When he found it, he proceeded to climb over the clutter in search of something to eat, which was ultimately very easy, since in every room Skwizzal had installed a food dispenser, so he was never too far away from a refreshing ham sammich or slice of cherry chocolate cake.
Taking that, and a can of energy drink, he decided his best move was to go outside, and see what kind of hell hole he’d landed on, before trying to ultimately create a human colony. This seemed like the only reasonable way since he had replaced the Emergency Beacon on his ship with a self destruct mechanism in case someone stole his ship then crashed it. It had never really occurred to him that he, the universes best captain (this he knew because his cup said he was, and the power of the cup could not be argued with), could ever crash his ship.
Of course, he never once realised creating a human colony would be impossible, since he was alone on his ship.
Of course, this was all irrelevant, as if he’d took the time to look outside, something which he wanted to spare himself from doing for as long as he could, for he was too scared that some giant space insect would see him and steal his cake, he’d notice he’d crashed in the middle of the A1, crushing several dozen cars and causing countless deaths in the pile up that resulted from his crash landing.
Among those dead, was a father of four, who only moments before his death, while on a coach trip to London, had finally understood several things in the world that had previously gone unthought of. In his last moments, he’d finally worked out the cure to cancer, the meaning of life and a way in which he could make humans immortal. How unfortunate it was that seconds after these string of historic discoveries, the giant flaming body of the S.S Wafflehausen would crash down the motorway and crush the life out of the man.
But at this time, Skwizzal knew none of this. He was frantically eating enough food to give him energy for his oncoming hike in search for life, and preparing his robot companion, the schizophrenic robot Cyberfreak, for any needed hostility they might encounter.
Little did he know on top of this, about the great journey that he was about to embark on, which is probably for the best, for if he did, it was likely he would of spent the rest of his days hiding from the future in his ship.
Skwizzal was not one for adventure, and all the bothersome trouble it brought.
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